In memoriam . . . or so we hope

Another year has come to pass, and once again we find ourselves staring at a new year. A time to start fresh and not make all the mistakes we've made during the previous twelve months. After all, there are some positive things to look forward to as we start the year anew. For instance, it's not a leap year, so in case this year looks like it's heading into the shitter really fast, at least we don't have to slog through an extra day in February like we did this past year.

As the year ends, though, it's time for us to reflect on what happened over the course of 2012. Naturally, for television news magazine shows and Internet sites, this means finding out who died this year, putting together a quick obituary, and airing/publishing the materials so they can high-tail it out of work for Christmas vacation. In the last 2 days, we have seen two of these obituary packets on television. Although the packets were handled in different ways, the overlapping obituaries were nearly identical in how they were presented.

Let's not get hung up on those notable notables who passed away in 2012. Instead, let's concentrate on something more fun!

With 2013 on our doorstep, let's talk about all those things that have lived past their prime (if they had one at all). These are the things that we hope will die. We don't care how: fade away, horrible explosive death, whatever. Hopefully, we can all look back on this post come December 31, 2013, read through these things, and smile knowing that we may never have to hear of these things again.

Well, we can only hope.

Just to allay your fears, this grouping does not include people. We're not morbid.

"My bad"
Maybe it's because I like writing, maybe it's because I've worked as an editor, or possibly it's because I don't understand it completely, but I hate this saying. I figured it would die out in the 90s, but we haven't been so lucky. The all-encompassing pool of knowledge Wikipedia says that it originated in the 1970s/1980s on basketball courts. I wish it would have stayed there. Further 20-second research online shows that it may have originated from people who spoke English as a second language. How about we just go back to saying, "Sorry"?

It's time for Viacom to take this channel back behind the television barn and put a bullet through its mixed-up brain. Now, I may be speaking as a jaded adult who remembers back to a time when MTV was the shit, but I think everyone can agree that this channel is a shade of its former self, whatever time period it was when you personally began watching it. Hell, people were saying that "Music Television" forgot how to play music videos back in the 1990s when it began showing game shows and cartoons more often. Recently, it's been a breeding ground for mutant reality-based shows that have no basis in reality. And what of its sister network, MTV2, the network that was going to take over all the music back in the 1990s when MTV became so un-music-like? Well, I've been watching reruns of Boy Meets World there, so obviously they failed in that endeavour.

Speaking of networks...

AMC, TLC, others
These initialisms mean nothing anymore. The Learning Channel? The only thing I've learned recently is that I hate the fact that the dregs of civilized society are now banking six to seven figures a year. American Movie Classics? Even though it has great programming and I watch the network more than I used to, I wouldn't call WarGames and The Fifth Element examples of classic American movies. Just rebrand and rename already. Take Spike. Viacom actually did something right in this case. It used to be TNN (The Nashville Network), but once it stopped airing country music, the company rebranded it. Although it was a bit more complicated and there were acquisitions and redundancies involved, it remains a somewhat positive case of appropriate rebranding. Once your network loses any vestige of what it was originally planned out to be, it's time for a full relaunch.

The 2012 elections
As far as I can remember, the 2012 election season began sometime around early 2009. It was way too long and bitter. So, now that November 2012 has come and gone, either your favorite politician won or lost. Get over it, stop complaining, and look forward to doing something that helps out your fellow Americans. If you don't like how things are going, start affecting things at the local level. That's the only way you're going to see things happen immediately. We're all in this together, and all the sniping and bickering isn't going to do anything but turn people off from your opinions. It's 2013 now: take a break from your hatred or smugness and just try to do something good.

Shortening words for no reason
Sometimes abbreviating words can help a situation. Sometimes, it's just annoying. "Totes" is not short for "totally"; it's a present-tense verb for something an old lady does with her groceries. "Natch" is equally ridiculous. If something is that naturally known, you don't even have to say it. And don't get me started with "cray-cray." It not only sounds like something a toddler with a speech impediment would say but also is the same amount of syllables and has more letters than the word it is replacing: crazy.

In addition to our "In memoriam," we asked our friends via the ever popular Facebooks what they would kill off, given the opportunity. Here's a selection of what we thought were the best of the best, minus anything political, because we're avoiding getting specifically political at pretty much all costs on our blog.

Expiration dates
I love this one, because it applies to so many things. I think the best being food expirations. I'm always one to push things in our fridge. No mold? No strange smell? Edible. But when there's a date stamped on there, you'll always feel inclined to stick to it like it's some sort of set rule. Like if you eat something after that date, the food police are going to burst through your kitchen wall like the Kool-Aid Man (Oh YEAH!) and punish you with a wicked case of food poisoning. What's even worse is that some dates are expiration dates, others are "best by" dates, and even more are "sell by" dates. All these dates are too confusing. Can't food just last forever?

This is pretty much the only sport I can't enjoy on TV. Even baseball carries some enjoyment after a few beers. But come March, thanks to the NHL lockout, it will be the only sport on television. Not to mention that all it seems to lead to is more people to marry and/or date and/or impregnate Kardashians. If we got rid of basketball, we could reduce the Kardashian procreation rate by at least 50%.

Westboro Baptist Church
I know this might tangentially relate to politics, but I'm pretty sure any sane person on any spot in the political spectrum can agree on this one: the WBC just needs to go away. The level of hate and complete idiocy this family (NOT church) pushes down people's throats just needs to stop.

If you haven't heard this terrible phrase, you clearly live in a cave or a sensory deprivation chamber or something. Most well known to be the phrase of choice of rapper Drake (although apparently existing well before he coined it and now thinks he owns all rights to the phase - more on that here), YOLO stands for "you only live once." While this should be the carpe diem of our generation, it's actually just an excuse for people to act like stupid asshats. Should we get wasted at this party and sleep with a stranger? YOLO! Should I spend money I don't have on an expensive sports car that I'm bound to ruin within a few months? YOLO! How about we just go back to carpe diem? That phrase worked for us for hundreds of years. Besides, maybe reincarnation does exist, and then Drake will be eating some YOLO for lives to come.

Excessive hashtags
I think hashtags serve a purpose, but I think a lot of people don't know what that purpose is. Hashtags are the new keyword. Say I'm interested in, oh, retro hip hop. I can go on twitter, search for #retro #hiphop, and see what others around the world have to say about it on Twitter. No one is going to search for #WillSmithWasBetterAsTheFreshPrince to read your tweet.

Speaking of, follow us on Twitter! Check out the links on the right. We promise not to abuse hashtags--#IWishIWasALittleBitTaller #IWishIWasABaller #rabbit #hat #bat #64Impala.

Here's wishing you a wonderful 2013. Let's try to forget all about 2012!

This entry was posted on Monday, December 31, 2012. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0. You can leave a response.

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