Sometimes you need something bad in order to appreciate something good. Or maybe not bad. Maybe just bland. A palate cleanser between drinks of delicious, delicious wine. Take today, for example. Last night, we appreciated the story and cinematography of It's a Wonderful Life. Tomorrow, we have another great movie lined up. Today, The Santa Clause 3: The Escape Clause.
All our favorite characters are back. And Chet. Screw Chet.
Our plot revolves around something I neglected to mention about the second movie: the Council of Legendary Figures--Easter Bunny, Tooth Fairy, etc. This time, new member Jack Frost is causing waves, or maybe snow drifts. See, this movie is so bland that even my jokes are turning bland. I'll start spouting Schwarzenegger lines from Batman & Robin.
Secondary plot, Mrs. Claus is pregnant and wants to be around normal-size adults, so Scott Calvin's in-laws come to visit. The disturbing part of this, however, is we're supposed to just put aside our knowledge that Santa has been banging his hot, younger wife. I will also leave you with this: an elf OB/GYN that looks like a preteen. Every way you think about that is just wrong.
Along for the ride with Scott's in-laws are his ex-wife, her husband, and their kid. While Scott's extended family have been featured in the last two movies and know about the Secret of Santa, Scott's in-laws don't know anything about it. So, obviously, the North Pole inhabitants are masking the area to look like Canada (complete with every stereotype you can imagine, eh?).
Having two sets of unwanted visitors right before your biggest workday of the year must suck, but what if you had someone hijacking your well-thought-out assembly line? Everything's going wrong at the North Pole/Canada because Jack Frost is jealous of Santa stealing the winter spotlight, so he sabotages Santa's life. His goal? Make Scott wish he had never become Santa. Guess what happens?
Mrs. Claus wants Scott around all the time while she's pregnant, but Scott has a very demanding job that requires his attention. Just as an aside, he's friggin' Santa! She got her parents to visit, Scott's doing all he can, and she's still being bitchy. Pregnancy hormones, maybe? She did hate Christmas in the last movie. It could be her way of acting out.
Magical snowglobe, Jack Frost deceives Santa, Santa (holding the snowglobe) wishes he was never Santa, they're transported back to 1994, and Jack Frost puts on the coat to become Santa. I'm thinking there must be something in Tim Allen's contract that stipulates he doesn't have to be in the fat suit and beard for the entire movie. Not that I blame him. I envision sweaty underclothes and awkward bathroom brakes on set.
In the alternate reality, Jack Frost turns the North Pole into an amusement park where those who can afford it come up and get their presents. Scott then tricks Jack to renounce his role as Santa and everything goes back to normal.
Sure there are other things that happened in this movie, but nothing really worth mentioning. Just bland. Even the message of the movie is bland: hugs are warm. If they were more open about it, the message could have been sometimes expensive things cannot bring you joy. Or happiness doesn't come from a paycheck.
Anyway, yeah. That's about it. But I do have something to show you. Wanna see what nightmares are made of?
Merry Christmas Eve eve!
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