Syntaxtual Healing

Another year has come to pass, and once again we find ourselves staring at a new year. A time to start fresh and not make all the mistakes we've made during the previous twelve months. After all, there are some positive things to look forward to as we start the year anew. For instance, it's not a leap year, so in case this year looks like it's heading into the shitter really fast, at least we don't have to slog through an extra day in February like we did this past year.

As the year ends, though, it's time for us to reflect on what happened over the course of 2012. Naturally, for television news magazine shows and Internet sites, this means finding out who died this year, putting together a quick obituary, and airing/publishing the materials so they can high-tail it out of work for Christmas vacation. In the last 2 days, we have seen two of these obituary packets on television. Although the packets were handled in different ways, the overlapping obituaries were nearly identical in how they were presented.

Let's not get hung up on those notable notables who passed away in 2012. Instead, let's concentrate on something more fun!

With 2013 on our doorstep, let's talk about all those things that have lived past their prime (if they had one at all). These are the things that we hope will die. We don't care how: fade away, horrible explosive death, whatever. Hopefully, we can all look back on this post come December 31, 2013, read through these things, and smile knowing that we may never have to hear of these things again.

Well, we can only hope.

Just to allay your fears, this grouping does not include people. We're not morbid.

"My bad"
Maybe it's because I like writing, maybe it's because I've worked as an editor, or possibly it's because I don't understand it completely, but I hate this saying. I figured it would die out in the 90s, but we haven't been so lucky. The all-encompassing pool of knowledge Wikipedia says that it originated in the 1970s/1980s on basketball courts. I wish it would have stayed there. Further 20-second research online shows that it may have originated from people who spoke English as a second language. How about we just go back to saying, "Sorry"?

MTV
It's time for Viacom to take this channel back behind the television barn and put a bullet through its mixed-up brain. Now, I may be speaking as a jaded adult who remembers back to a time when MTV was the shit, but I think everyone can agree that this channel is a shade of its former self, whatever time period it was when you personally began watching it. Hell, people were saying that "Music Television" forgot how to play music videos back in the 1990s when it began showing game shows and cartoons more often. Recently, it's been a breeding ground for mutant reality-based shows that have no basis in reality. And what of its sister network, MTV2, the network that was going to take over all the music back in the 1990s when MTV became so un-music-like? Well, I've been watching reruns of Boy Meets World there, so obviously they failed in that endeavour.

Speaking of networks...

AMC, TLC, others
These initialisms mean nothing anymore. The Learning Channel? The only thing I've learned recently is that I hate the fact that the dregs of civilized society are now banking six to seven figures a year. American Movie Classics? Even though it has great programming and I watch the network more than I used to, I wouldn't call WarGames and The Fifth Element examples of classic American movies. Just rebrand and rename already. Take Spike. Viacom actually did something right in this case. It used to be TNN (The Nashville Network), but once it stopped airing country music, the company rebranded it. Although it was a bit more complicated and there were acquisitions and redundancies involved, it remains a somewhat positive case of appropriate rebranding. Once your network loses any vestige of what it was originally planned out to be, it's time for a full relaunch.

The 2012 elections
As far as I can remember, the 2012 election season began sometime around early 2009. It was way too long and bitter. So, now that November 2012 has come and gone, either your favorite politician won or lost. Get over it, stop complaining, and look forward to doing something that helps out your fellow Americans. If you don't like how things are going, start affecting things at the local level. That's the only way you're going to see things happen immediately. We're all in this together, and all the sniping and bickering isn't going to do anything but turn people off from your opinions. It's 2013 now: take a break from your hatred or smugness and just try to do something good.

Shortening words for no reason
Sometimes abbreviating words can help a situation. Sometimes, it's just annoying. "Totes" is not short for "totally"; it's a present-tense verb for something an old lady does with her groceries. "Natch" is equally ridiculous. If something is that naturally known, you don't even have to say it. And don't get me started with "cray-cray." It not only sounds like something a toddler with a speech impediment would say but also is the same amount of syllables and has more letters than the word it is replacing: crazy.

In addition to our "In memoriam," we asked our friends via the ever popular Facebooks what they would kill off, given the opportunity. Here's a selection of what we thought were the best of the best, minus anything political, because we're avoiding getting specifically political at pretty much all costs on our blog.

Expiration dates
I love this one, because it applies to so many things. I think the best being food expirations. I'm always one to push things in our fridge. No mold? No strange smell? Edible. But when there's a date stamped on there, you'll always feel inclined to stick to it like it's some sort of set rule. Like if you eat something after that date, the food police are going to burst through your kitchen wall like the Kool-Aid Man (Oh YEAH!) and punish you with a wicked case of food poisoning. What's even worse is that some dates are expiration dates, others are "best by" dates, and even more are "sell by" dates. All these dates are too confusing. Can't food just last forever?

Basketball
This is pretty much the only sport I can't enjoy on TV. Even baseball carries some enjoyment after a few beers. But come March, thanks to the NHL lockout, it will be the only sport on television. Not to mention that all it seems to lead to is more people to marry and/or date and/or impregnate Kardashians. If we got rid of basketball, we could reduce the Kardashian procreation rate by at least 50%.

Westboro Baptist Church
I know this might tangentially relate to politics, but I'm pretty sure any sane person on any spot in the political spectrum can agree on this one: the WBC just needs to go away. The level of hate and complete idiocy this family (NOT church) pushes down people's throats just needs to stop.

"YOLO"
If you haven't heard this terrible phrase, you clearly live in a cave or a sensory deprivation chamber or something. Most well known to be the phrase of choice of rapper Drake (although apparently existing well before he coined it and now thinks he owns all rights to the phase - more on that here), YOLO stands for "you only live once." While this should be the carpe diem of our generation, it's actually just an excuse for people to act like stupid asshats. Should we get wasted at this party and sleep with a stranger? YOLO! Should I spend money I don't have on an expensive sports car that I'm bound to ruin within a few months? YOLO! How about we just go back to carpe diem? That phrase worked for us for hundreds of years. Besides, maybe reincarnation does exist, and then Drake will be eating some YOLO for lives to come.

Excessive hashtags
I think hashtags serve a purpose, but I think a lot of people don't know what that purpose is. Hashtags are the new keyword. Say I'm interested in, oh, retro hip hop. I can go on twitter, search for #retro #hiphop, and see what others around the world have to say about it on Twitter. No one is going to search for #WillSmithWasBetterAsTheFreshPrince to read your tweet.


Speaking of, follow us on Twitter! Check out the links on the right. We promise not to abuse hashtags--#IWishIWasALittleBitTaller #IWishIWasABaller #rabbit #hat #bat #64Impala.

Here's wishing you a wonderful 2013. Let's try to forget all about 2012!

We were out of town for the past few days, but we have some post ideas brewing. In fact, we're working on a (hopefully) big New Year's Eve post that'll go live tomorrow.

Good timing, right?

Hope all your Christmas celebrations were fun. If you didn't celebrate Christmas for one reason or another, hope you caught up on some good movies/DVR'ed shows!

I love this movie. I can't imagine Christmas without at least one viewing of it, if not more, thanks to TNT's 24 hour airings. But, we're classy around here (and we hate commercials), so today we watched it on DVD. Rather than trying to find something to focus on for a review, or to nitpick certain aspects of the movie, I figured I'd do a countdown type list. So here, in some semblance of an order, are my top 10 scenes and/or quotes (plus one) from A Christmas Story!

11. "Next to me in the blackness lay my oiled blue steel beauty. The greatest Christmas gift I had ever received, or would ever receive."
 

"He looks like a deranged Easter Bunny."
"He does not!"
"He does too, he looks like a pink nightmare!"

He does, in fact, look like a deranged Easter Bunny. So much so that this scene made it into the mecca of holiday recognition, and got its very own Hallmark ornament. Which hangs on our tree every year. Ralphie's made it to the big time!

Randy, under the sink. with a glass of milk. Does it get any funnier than this? A few years ago, we took a random vacation to Cleveland, which is where the house used as the exterior of the Parker family home has been turned into a replica from the movie (inside and out). When we happened to be there, there was a tour guide in residence...none other than Randy himself, Ian Petrella. That's right, I met Randy. Jealous? We even have an autographed photo as part of our holiday decor these days.

The house comes complete with a replica of this sink and cabinet - which you can even climb inside and take a picture. I didn't, but now, watching this again, I kind of wish I did so I could share it with you all.

3. "I have since heard of people under extreme duress speaking in strange tongues. I became conscious that a steady torrent of obscenities and swearing of all kinds was pouring out of me as I screamed."

I love this scene. From Ralph finally standing up to the bully all the way to his mom protecting him from further punishment from his father for all the swearing and beating up a kid until he bled. But hands down, my favorite moment in this exchange is when Randy happens upon the fight.


He's too small to intervene, but he does what he can. He picks of Ralph's glasses and holds them tight, protecting his big brother the only way he can. 


2. "Randy lay there like a slug. It was his only defense."


I don't have much to say about this quote. It's probably my favorite single line from the movie. And as illustrated above, in handiwork created by our friend Neal, and bestowed upon Dennis nearly 15 years ago, it has staying power. This line DOES NOT GET OLD. Trust me. Next time there's a lull in conversation, just blurt it out. Thank me later for the laughter that ensues. (If no one laughs, leave immediately and never speak to these people again). If someone else in the group finishes the line for you, make them your best friend for life.

Good morning, everyone.

To those of you who celebrate Christmas, I hope your day is filled with family, friends, and good times. To those who don't celebrate Christmas, the same applies. I think that's one of the benefits of this time of year. People just feel lighter and happier.

Plus, there are some really awful programs on Tuesday mornings. We're watching a rerun of a Saved By the Bell Christmas episode. It's wonderfully terrible.

Have a great day!!!

In the late 1980s and early 1990s, Bill Murray was my favorite actor. Although I had only seen him in a few movies, I always thought his performances were perfect and memorable. Ghostbusters, Caddyshack, Quick Change...awesome. At one time, I had two full-sized movie theater posters in my room of movies Bill Murray was in: Ghostbusters II and Scrooged.

That poster was right across from my bed, so I saw it before I went to sleep and when I woke up in the morning. I remember even telling my mom that I wanted a hairstyle like Bill Murray. I had yet to understand what a receding hairline was. Unfortunately, I understand it now.

So, you could say that Scrooged secured a special place in my life. This movie--to me, at least--is a nearly perfect retelling of A Christmas Carol. Yes, you have the ghosts, the lessons learned, and Christmassy-ness everywhere, along with the excesses that could only be found in late-1980s New York City.

It's been around for years, so I'm not going to go into the whole A Christmas Carol story. You should know it by now. If you don't, well, head on over to Wikipedia or check on one of the many rehashes of the story. Take your pick: animated, CGI, something from an old sitcom, etc. What I'd like to talk about is how Scrooged hits particularly close to home for me and how it might for you as well.

Let's face it, Dickens wrote Scrooge as an asshole. Always looking to make a buck, not caring much for the people around him. Courtesy of the Ghost of Christmas Past, in the original story, Scrooge breaks things off with his girlfriend due to his ever-increasing lust for money. Frank Cross is different. We see him as an innocent child who had a neglectful childhood, especially from his father. No lights on the house. No toys. Just a kid who loves television and gets veal for Christmas. We have clues about what's going on in Frank's head, though. He wonders aloud why there are no Christmas lights on his childhood home. Frank also states previously that he loves Christmas because people stay at home and watch television, boosting ratings. Like Scrooge, Christmas doesn't mean much to him these days, but unlike Scrooge, opportunity made him this way.

Think about it: people have likely told you your entire life to take an opportunity once it presents itself. We see Frank in the 1970s working in a dog costume on a kid's television show.


Frank gets the opportunity to have dinner with the president of the network on Christmas Eve, but his girlfriend says they are to have dinner with their friends. Although Frank mentions they should reschedule to the next week, Claire says that they can't because it's Christmas Eve. Sure, Frank acts a little selfish and essentially causes their breakup, but you have to feel a little bit for him. He was living out his dream of working in television and was eyeing bigger and better things for their future together. But no, they couldn't reschedule their dinner.

Going to have to side with Frank on this one.

So we see Frank visited by the other two ghosts: one showing him all the fun or the despair everyone else is living in the present and a glimpse of the future if Frank continues with his humbug-ish ways and negatively influences those around him.

As the movie progressed, I kept coming back to Frank's career. At the end of the film, Frank is so overwhelmed that he essentially renounces his career and spills his debt, gratitude, and messages of love and kindness to the world. From the very minute I saw it in the theater back in 1988 to this viewing tonight, I still feel the ending was shoehorned in. I mean, this movie has a classic plot that they made better with great actors and fantastic quotes, but the ending is kind of terrible.

I got a different message this year, though. It goes back to the old cliche of "Stop and smell the roses." I still feel that Claire could have seen how important it was to go to dinner with the president of the network that night. It wasn't like Frank was going to dinner with the mailman in the Frisbee sketch. But in a way, Claire was right. Work can't take up your entire life. Even though Frank's old boss lived up the good life, he didn't truly live. Even in present day, Claire isn't even truly living until the end of the film. When Frank asks her out to dinner, the volunteers at the homeless shelter keep her there with questions about fuses and turkeys. Way to send out mixed messages, Claire! She finally leaves work when she sees Frank pouring his heart out to the world.

I don't care if you celebrate Christmas. I don't care if you hate this movie. Hell, you can even hate this blog post. Like Frank Cross, though, take away this message: whoever you are, whatever you're doing, take a few minutes to sit back or stand still and appreciate everything and everyone around you. When you really think about it, this whole experience is amazing. Work isn't that important. Take some time and just live.

Then, when you're finished, go have a drink.

Sometimes you need something bad in order to appreciate something good. Or maybe not bad. Maybe just bland. A palate cleanser between drinks of delicious, delicious wine. Take today, for example. Last night, we appreciated the story and cinematography of It's a Wonderful Life. Tomorrow, we have another great movie lined up. Today, The Santa Clause 3: The Escape Clause.

All our favorite characters are back. And Chet. Screw Chet.

Our plot revolves around something I neglected to mention about the second movie: the Council of Legendary Figures--Easter Bunny, Tooth Fairy, etc. This time, new member Jack Frost is causing waves, or maybe snow drifts. See, this movie is so bland that even my jokes are turning bland. I'll start spouting Schwarzenegger lines from Batman & Robin.

Secondary plot, Mrs. Claus is pregnant and wants to be around normal-size adults, so Scott Calvin's in-laws come to visit. The disturbing part of this, however, is we're supposed to just put aside our knowledge that Santa has been banging his hot, younger wife. I will also leave you with this: an elf OB/GYN that looks like a preteen. Every way you think about that is just wrong.

Along for the ride with Scott's in-laws are his ex-wife, her husband, and their kid. While Scott's extended family have been featured in the last two movies and know about the Secret of Santa, Scott's in-laws don't know anything about it. So, obviously, the North Pole inhabitants are masking the area to look like Canada (complete with every stereotype you can imagine, eh?).

Having two sets of unwanted visitors right before your biggest workday of the year must suck, but what if you had someone hijacking your well-thought-out assembly line? Everything's going wrong at the North Pole/Canada because Jack Frost is jealous of Santa stealing the winter spotlight, so he sabotages Santa's life. His goal? Make Scott wish he had never become Santa. Guess what happens?

Mrs. Claus wants Scott around all the time while she's pregnant, but Scott has a very demanding job that requires his attention. Just as an aside, he's friggin' Santa! She got her parents to visit, Scott's doing all he can, and she's still being bitchy. Pregnancy hormones, maybe? She did hate Christmas in the last movie. It could be her way of acting out.

Magical snowglobe, Jack Frost deceives Santa, Santa (holding the snowglobe) wishes he was never Santa, they're transported back to 1994, and Jack Frost puts on the coat to become Santa. I'm thinking there must be something in Tim Allen's contract that stipulates he doesn't have to be in the fat suit and beard for the entire movie. Not that I blame him. I envision sweaty underclothes and awkward bathroom brakes on set.

In the alternate reality, Jack Frost turns the North Pole into an amusement park where those who can afford it come up and get their presents. Scott then tricks Jack to renounce his role as Santa and everything goes back to normal.

Sure there are other things that happened in this movie, but nothing really worth mentioning. Just bland. Even the message of the movie is bland: hugs are warm. If they were more open about it, the message could have been sometimes expensive things cannot bring you joy. Or happiness doesn't come from a paycheck.

Anyway, yeah. That's about it. But I do have something to show you. Wanna see what nightmares are made of?

Merry Christmas Eve eve!

If I were a real pessimist, I would tell you that no, it's not a wonderful life. George's life is pretty shitty. He's deaf in one ear, he never gets to travel the world, he never even gets to go to college. He doesn't want to get married, but now he's married with 4 kids. And now, his bumbling uncle has lost 8 grand, it's Christmas Eve, and he's facing criminal charges (for some reason, this always seemed to me to happen very quickly and without thorough investigation). The pessimist version of this movie starts and ends on the bridge. As George himself says, he's worth more dead than alive.

But, I'm not a full-blown pessimist. I'm more of a realist. And realistically, on the surface it's not a wonderful life. It's not terrible, but it seems that George does more to improve the lives around him than he does for himself. And while that's something we always say is important, we still want our lives to be spectacular too.

And, when it does come down to it, if you look at it from the right angle, George's live is pretty damn wonderful. I don't think I could get a town full of people to fill a basket with money for me if I needed it.



Every time I watch this movie, I go through this progression. From pessimist to realist, realist to optimist. I guess that's what is truly great about this film - you live it with George. Life may keep George from his fantastic dreams of exploring the world, but they also introduce him to dreams he never knew he had. Mary, kids, helping Bedford Falls just as his father did.

What really pushes you over the edge from wherever you stand on the state of George's life is the final gift he receives, Clarence's copy of Tom Sawyer with a very important inscription:

As Harry reminds us, George is, on this Christmas Eve, the richest person in Bedford Falls. And no, it's not the basket of money placed before him that makes it so, it's the richness that comes from friends and family who love him. People who support him now, in his time of need, because he was there for them.



And that, kiddos, is really what Christmas is all about. Friends, family, and love. Not money or presents or power. Then again, I am a little annoyed that Potter gets off scott free in the end. He did basically steal 8 grand from the Baileys. Here's hoping his equally deplorable man servant at least beats him when no one's looking.

Home Alone 2…it’s pretty much exactly the same as Home Alone, but in New York. That being said, I wanted to see if my original review still applied here…so I edited it to fit the sequel. New text is in bold.

Home Alone, the movie where a kid complains about his family vacation so much, he gets to go on his own. Literally. (I guess the literally doesn’t quite work as well here)

Ok, maybe not literally, but to him he literally gets his wish and goes on his very own vacation. Haven't we all wished for this now and again? How much fun it would be to have run of a new city, no one to bother us, watch whatever we want, eat whatever we want? But, just like Kevin, most of us soon realize that being alone at the holidays is a lonely existence.

Except when we come to the realization, we're not also engaging in wacky hijinks with a pair of bumbling toy store robbing con artists.

(On a side note, am I the only one that wants to punch the uncle repeatedly? Every time he speaks I want to reach into the TV and sock him in the face.)

I'm not going to get into the caper aspect of the movie, but rather want to say that the moments I really love in this movie are the calm moments between all the humor, all the goofiness. Kevin asking the airline attendant what city is outside the window; his amazement over the fact that the owner of Duncan’s Toy Chest lets the kids play with the toys in his store; and his time in the park when he realizes that the crazy lady covered in pigeons isn't scary after all.



I love these moments because they mirror those moments of calm we all try to find during the holidays. Between all the running around shopping, cooking, decorating, these moments are what make the holidays all worthwhile. Taking a moment to sit and enjoy your Christmas tree, or pausing in the middle of present-madness to appreciate being with those you love. These moments may be brief, and they may be few and far between, but they're what remind us that all the other craziness is worth it for these moments.

Which is, essentially, what happens to Kevin. Kind of. Maybe I'm stretching. But after everything he goes through in the movie, he comes to the realization that despite how crazy, sometimes mean, and often annoying his family is, he loves them and wants them with him for Christmas. He also makes friends with a semi-homeless woman who is only friends with pigeons, and gives her one of his treasured turtle dove ornaments. You know, instead of money or food or something. She can’t even feed her flock of pigeons with that thing. I know, I know, the spirit of Christmas and all, but I mean, he couldn’t have given her a little cash too?





And, as is with every Christmas movie, if you learn a lesson, you usually get what you wish for. Kevin is no exception. Just in time for Christmas, he saves the toy store and the children’s hospital, gets the bad guys caught, and gets his family back. To top it all off, his rich, privileged family gets an assload of toys from Mr. Duncan. A thank you that Kevin really should have kept to himself, because let’s be honest, his family kind of sucks.

Now, this one is a surprise. Up until a few weeks ago, I had never heard of this Muppet movie. If you've been reading these posts, you know we very lackadaisically reviewed A Muppets Christmas: Letters to Santa when we were out of town for the night. That one's really an "eh" movie. Yeah, yeah, do stuff for the kids, give them a great Christmas. Whatever, right?

It's a Very Merry Muppet Christmas Movie is more up my alley. Released just over a decade ago, it's a hodgepodge of different Christmas movies based around the plot of the Muppets on the verge of losing their theater. The man in charge of receiving their rent payments died and his daughter (or young wife, not sure about this since it was never mentioned) took over the bank. This means that the Muppets must pay their rent by Christmas Eve or she will take over ownership and attempt to turn it into a trendy nightclub. The problem for the Muppets, besides the fact that they're broke, is that they won't have the money until they complete the end of their Christmas show run.

Randomness is the style of this movie, and I couldn't be happier. It begins with the events of the movie having already taken place, Kermit acting all pushy and emo, angry with all the other Muppets as they're celebrating at the Christmas party. Kermit goes on a rant about how dreams are bullshit and goes out into the snow to mope. This is when we're introduced to the flashback crew, David Arquette as the angel and Whoopi Goldberg as God, who show us what could have possibly happened to lead to these events.

Turns out the Muppets, after learning that they need to pay all the money by midnight on Christmas Eve, put on a grandiose Christmas show, "Moulin Scrooge," in the style of the movie Moulin Rouge. What other Christmas movie can you watch a Muppet drink absinthe?

Along with deferring their pay for an entire year, the gang rakes in enough in ticket presales to pay the rent, but there is deception afoot. Earlier, Pepe the Prawn left the Muppets to work for Miss Bitterman, the bank owner, so he could scrape together some cash for airfare to Ricky Martin's Christmas party. He also conveniently has a copy of the loan contract. So, Bitterman woos him to obtain the contract and change the time from midnight to 6 pm. When Pepe finds out he was being scammed, he heads back to the theater to warn Kermit. Since the show is still in progress, Fozzie gives up his monologue timeslot to run the money to the bank. Although, for some reason, on the way to the bank he's turned green, bumps into a Salvation Army Santa, drops the cash, and then has to run for his life because the evil Who-like creatures from kind-of-Whoville think he's the Grinch. Fozzie grabs the wrong bag and hightails it out of there. Everything that could go wrong does.

It's now that we get into the It's a Wonderful Life portion of the movie. Kermit wishes he hasn't been born, David Arquette grants his wish, and we are introduced to an alternate reality. Gonzo is a busker, Fozzie is a pickpocket, and Beaker...


...he's a bouncer at Bitterman's nightclub.

Naturally, Kermit wants to go back to his reality. He believes in dreams again! He returns, runs back to the theater, and finds that Pepe has turned the theater into a historical landmark, meaning Bitterman can't tear it down. The Salvation army also has a ton of money from Fozzie's mix up. Everyone's happy, except Bitterman.

The movie and story references throughout are great. We've got "The Gift of the Magi," A Christmas Story, The Muppet Movie, etc. It really is a fantastic movie, full of throwbacks and even innuendos. We even see Sam the Eagle on his Propecia regimen.


What makes this a Christmas movie is its heart. Fozzie has a heart of gold, and it's his loss of it in the alternate reality that almost pushes Kermit over the edge. There's no real Santa story to speak of, and there aren't that many presents. It's friendship and sharing your dreams with them. That just warms the heart.

Also, the Muppet theater is now zoned for a topless nightclub, thanks to Pepe.

Watch this movie.

The old one. Obviously. But recolored. Normally I go for the black and white, but it's what we had recorded and it was pretty neat to see it all colored up.

I really love this movie, but I don't want to gush about the adorable Santa or how gorgeous Maureen O'Hara is, or the fact that I just realized last night that the little girl is Natalie Wood (actress famous for one of the most mysterious accidental deaths in Hollywood).

What I want to focus on is that somehow, one of the largest department stores in America managed to get us all to love a 96-minute COMMERCIAL.

Then again, I suppose they get us to do this for upwards of 3 hours during the Thanksgiving Day Parade too. They even get us to watch the parade IN the movie! Damn you RH Macy!

But really - 80% of the movie takes place in Macy's, and when we're not in Macy's, people are talking about working at Macy's. RH Macy is such a nice guy in the movie, even when he's flat out telling people that he's doing something to make money, you like him. To top it all off, the whole goal of Santa in the movie is to return Christmas to its former glory, removed from the clutches of commercialization...

Am I the only one who sees the irony here? No? Ok, good.

Despite the fact that we're watching a commercial where Macy's saves Santa from a life in a straightjacket in a padded room at Bellevue, we're all more than willing to overlook this and truly love this movie. It's not just a great Christmas movie, it's a great movie in general. It was nominated for 6 Academy Awards and only lost Best Picture, and it's held up over time - with 94% on Rotten Tomatoes and countless top list nominations and listings.

So I guess what we're collectively saying is, as long as the story is good, and the characters are likeable, we really don't mind watching a full-length feature advertisement.

Those who know me know I love Pac-Man. I grew up with video games. When I was young, they were all blocky pixels with simple plots: bounce a square across the screen, move a frog across the road, eat dots and ghosts. I was lucky enough to live in a beach community where there were arcades galore, so I was no stranger to these video games. But I have a soft spot in my heart for Pac-Man, after all, we both were born in the same year. One of my earliest memories is my mom holding me on a Pac-Man arcade cabinet so I could "play" the game. "Play" is in quotes because all I was doing was watching the demo screen.

Pac-Man and its sequels were there throughout my life. In the mid-1980s, I had one of those tabletop Pac-Man games from Coleco. I loved that thing. I asked my parents when I was in my teens about whatever happened to that little tabletop game. They told me I had left it on our old floorboard radiator and it melted. So, if anyone is looking for a gift to give me, start trolling eBay.

And if it weren't for Ms. Pac-Man, I would have never gotten through college. On those late nights studying or writing papers, I would play a few quick games of Ms. Pac-Man on my computer, helping me keep my sanity and keep my brain sharp. These days, much to the amusement of my friends who would rather I play Ghost Recon or Halo 4 nonstop, I'll play a few games of Pac-Man Championship Edition DX on Xbox.

So, thanks to YouTube a few years ago, I became reacquainted with Christmas Comes to Pac-Land, a 1982 TV special based on the Saturday morning television show, based on the video game. Thanks to Boomerang, I got to watch it on the big screen this year.

It was ridiculous and kind of awesome.

Sometime in 1981 or 1982, a bunch of writers got together and wondered how the hell they were going to write a television cartoon series about a yellow circle that eats ghosts. Lo! and behold, they somehow did it. It wasn't fantastic, but then again, many of the cartoons of the early 1980s weren't that great in retrospect. Damned if they didn't hold a kid's attention, though. I shouldn't really be too surprised about developing a backstory and world for Pac-Man. There was also a Q*Bert cartoon, which was even more ridiculous.

Christmas. It doesn't exist in Pac-Land. Sure the Pac family builds snowmen (or snow ghost monsters) and the ghost monsters sing Christmas carols, but they have no idea who Santa is until he crash lands in Pac-Land. He had been flying around, got lost due to his new computer, and somehow was rerouted over Pac-Land before the reindeer were spooked. Turns out the reindeer are afraid of the eyes left behind by ghost monsters who just got chomped. Who knew? Rough looking crash, too.



Speaking of the reindeer, Santa's flying in a sleigh pulled by eight of them, one of whom is Rudolph. Wonder which on got the shaft in this special?

Evidently the Pacs have never heard of Christmas. Santa says nothing of having neglected them for years, but mentions that he has to get his shit together or else everyone else in the world won't have a Christmas. Sled's a mess, the reindeer are beat up, and Santa's frazzled. What can be done? Well, some ancillary Pac characters fix the sled, Ms. Pac tends to the wounded, and Pac-Man heads out to find the missing bag of toys.

Meanwhile, the ghost monsters find the bag of toys first. I don't know what they're so excited about, though. It's 1982, video games are everywhere, we've got toylines coming out the wazoo, and all the toys Santa has are horribly generic. Would you fight over the generic board game "Game" like these ghost monsters?


Since the ghost monsters are distracted, Pac-Man comes up with an awful idea of how to get the toys back: dig through the snow and come up underneath them. Of course, that goes horribly wrong and he gets chomped by the ghosts. In the game, Pac-Man dies; in the show, it's the equivalent of him getting the flu. I don't know what the ghosts get out of it, but they seem pleased and I guess leave him to die. But Pac-Man is on a mission. He and his faithful dog Chomp-Chomp grab the bag and head home.

But it's too late! Santa goes all emo and says this'll be his first missed Christmas and he'll never get anything done. Before he goes to slit his wrists in the Pac-Bath, Pac-Man comes up with a predictable idea. What else do you do in Pac-Land? Eat power pellets. They go to the lightly guarded Power Pellet Forest, get the reindeer all hopped up on the magic Pac drug, and Santa and his sled are on their way. Without explaining too much more, Christmas comes to Pac-Land, complete with a Christmas tree and presents for all the characters in this special, including the ghost monsters.

I've saved the best for last. Sure I could end this with a moral from the special about how Christmas is a time for peace and love so much so that even Pacs and ghost monsters can get along, but I want to showcase the best characters of all: Chomp-Chomp and Sourpuss.



These characters are not background characters. In fact, they are "voiced" by some pretty big names in the cartoon community. Chomp-Chomp's Pac barks were voiced by Frank Welker, who also did voices for The Real Ghostbusters, Animaniacs, Santa's Little Helper and Snowball II from The Simpsons, and Nibbler from Futurama. Sourpuss's voice, as well as Santa's, was done by Peter Cullen. He's only done a few voices here or there, like Eeyore from Winnie the Pooh and Optimus Prime from Transformers.

Chomp-Chomp does, in fact, save Christmas. He'll deserve a big piece of steak, or whatever the hell dogs in Pac-Land eat, for dinner. Sourpuss, though, knows his place in the house. If you have cats, you know this to be true. One scene displays this perfectly.

As Santa is reading "A Visit From Saint Nicholas" to Pac-Baby, Sourpuss is snoozing happily by the fire.


When Santa gets to the part about "stockings were hung by the chimney with care," Sourpuss sees an opportunity.


What we have next is typical cat.